I just can't do this anymore

You know, I'm just getting tired of being on the receiving end of someone else's dependencies. There has to be someone for everyone and maybe I used up my shot in this life. I am a soul that needs to be a part of something special, something loving and warm. Something permanent, deep and un-dying. Is it so wrong to feel that way? It's who I am more than what I need.


I've had some rough times in my life as have so many others. So I don't think I am unique to the "rough life" syndrome. But we all lift ourselves up and brush ourselves off and move on. Hopefully learning from each experience and making things better for ourselves because of them.

I don't want to be the "poor thing" that people say, "Oh, she's had a rough life and look at her. She deserves to be happy." We all deserve happiness if we work at life and are willing to be giving and loving to others. But it doesn't always work that way. Sometimes life just keeps kicking. So what? Are we just supposed to keep taking it and say, "It's not what's in this life that matters, we need to plan for the next life." I'm sorry but, BULL! Yes that's a good plan but that doesn't mean we give up on this one.

Yes I want to be the wonderful, forgiving soul that can keep taking the kicks and keep on going. But I’m not the Energizer Bunny. I am a human being with feelings and emotions and needs. I hurt just like the next guy and I cry over things that offend me, or hurt my heart. I need to laugh and be happy and enjoy life. I want to be loved and cared for and be that someone special in that other someone special's life. I want to take care of and love and support my partner. I want to be taken care of and feel the un-yielding love. Yes, I want the "Happily Ever After"! And why not? Is it so bad to want to be happy in this life too?

I have not had the parents in my life to teach me right from wrong or what great choices to make. But here I am, making good choices and learning from the gaps in the past by being better than I was treated. I've tried to be forgiving and understanding and always think the very best of others. To this, in return, I get loneliness.

It's not a lack of friends, although they are few, but great ones. It's that empty space in my heart. The human need to be held and loved. To have someone to care for and do for and belong to. A best friend for life! I want someone to share my thoughts, desires, feelings, opinions, hopes, fears, spirit, needs, Love! The list goes on and on. I have so much to offer and no one to receive. Time passes quicker as we get older but the needs and feelings don't fade. Possibly even grow stronger. Loneliness can lead to an early death. When the heart isn't nurtured and exercised, it dies. Like a flower that receives no rain, no tender care, it dies. And it's all such a waste. So much to give and no one to give it too. So much need and no one to receive it from.

And so, when someone thinks they have found someone special and gives all the wonderful things they have to offer, and for a short time, they receive as well, it is sublime. The tragedy comes when one of the two isn't genuine, isn't honest, isn't willing to be completely giving to their partner. When the actions are all just a dream, it kills the heart of the other. Ripped from the bosom and destroyed. So little time....so much hurt! So then what? Pick up and brush off and keep on going? I think not. I think it is certain death. The heart has only so much it can withstand before it gives up. I have no more to give. I thought I had a rough childhood, but the pain I feel now, surpasses anything I have ever endured. I don't want to do this anymore. I just can't do this anymore!!